The Drought Is Ending
My season of doubt, I mean drought, is swiftly coming to an end. I have unintentionally remained in an abusive relationship where I have allowed my addictions to consume me and keep me stagnant, forcing me to do things that my soul has been helping me undo, get rid of, and stop. The beautiful thing about the doubt, I mean drought season I have been experiencing, is that much grace has been given and much clarity has been shown. Being doubtful in a drought filled season of life has allowed me to seek the discernment and insight I need in order to embark on this new season of my life. Where the flowers start to bloom from the fermented seeds that were covered, harvested, and planted in the Fall and Winter seasons. The Drought is Ending.
I had to sit and ask myself, “Self… Ashley… How Bad Do You Want IT?” And then I had to sit and ask myself again, “Self… Ashley… How Bad Do You Want WHAT?” The thoughts that consumed me were the usual thoughts that hold space when I fail to give myself consent to be present. “There you go” … “You’re doing that thing again” … “Just flow…” And in that moment I quickly gave myself permission to simply live in the moment of my present thoughts. The Drought is Ending.
“How Bad DO You Want IT?” And to what extent are you willing to leave doubt and drought in the desert of emptiness and aloneness? Better yet, “What is it that YOU WANT out of this life that you have been given?” And so, I sat with myself while in the midst of doubt, putting bandages on the wounds I received from such self- sabotaging behavior. I sat with myself while in the middle of the desert and spent time coming up with all of the things that I wanted in this lifetime. The Drought is Ending.
Releasing myself from the “How Am I Doing” Syndrome”, I began to hold space for all of the things I do well, and not so much space for thoughts surrounding, “How well do I do things to others?” Understanding and accepting that my goal in this lifetime is not to be famous, I started to appreciate the creative and the beautiful soul that I AM. The Drought is Ending.
I AM a writer and a storyteller. I provoke emotions and feelings by simply using my words. I have learned my power and the weight that my words hold, and I am very cautious with how, with whom, and the tone and the pitch of when I use my words. Sometimes, my words intentionally cut as deep as a paper cut, where as other times, my words have the tendency to make you feel like you are sharing an experience with me you aren’t actually experiencing. A mind, body, and soul journey that forces to you to want to be your most vulnerable and most transparent self. I am so good with my mouth, that my words alone will have you salivating at the idea of experiencing whatever it is I am writing about - and that alone, is very satisfying and extremely pleasing to me. The Drought is Ending.
I AM an artist and a painter. When operating in full creative confidence, my soul speaks with every stroke that my paint brush glides in. The canvas becomes my muse and the paint becomes my tools of choice to get me to my desired climax - a masterpiece — or as I like to spell it phonetically, a masterpeace, in isolation. I allow myself not to get so caught up in allowing the idea of fame to seep through and hold space. There are things I have grown so used to doing simply because I enjoy doing those things, not because I am hungry or thirsty for the validation and recognition of other empty souls. Lost in their own deserts of insecurity, of doubt, of lack, of shame, of uncertainty, and of drought. The Drought is Ending.
While in the desert of both doubt and drought, I remind myself the value in who I always was by sitting with who God called me to be. I have chosen to to detox myself from the constant comparison of my life to the life of other people. Again, giving myself grace. Learning to love me. Learning to nurture me. Learning to bring and to be my own joy. The Drought is Ending.
The last thing I am leaving in the desert, is my ego. For it has always been my ego’s need to enjoy the instant gratification of things - that sometimes are not fully mature. There is nothing I need NOW that will implore other people to love me more, or like me more, or follow, subscribe, “double tap,” or share me and my work any more than they will when life starts to flow a bit different for me. When I no longer have the energy to prove to them why I have always been exactly who God called me to be.
The fact that I showed up today and wrote this first entry is enough for ME to be proud of.
The Drought is Ending.
